The Kink Journey: Am I Kinky Enough?

Am I Kinky Enough? - by Miss Lunissa

That phrase, "Am I kinky enough", has been in my head a lot this past year. I think it's honestly something everyone faces at some point in their kink journey, sometimes more than once. The self-doubt of my kinky identity has stared me down at the beginning when I tried to figure out if I truly identified as such, again when I decided to run for a leadership position in my local club, then again when I got hit by health issues that made it harder to socialize let alone engage the community, and now as I am trying to reevaluate my identity as a post-divorce, post-COVID pandemic, shifting polycule having being.

It's a lot of questions and self-doubt.

But I am trying to remind myself of my box analogy I've shared with so many people at this point. You can have multiple boxes that feel comfy and fit your needs with different shapes, colors, sizes, and such; but others can't always tell what you need in those boxes are so that's why they can't just put you into any box. I can figure out what boxes I fit in and feel best. Maybe some boxes are extra comfy right now because they are familiar and snug and have molded to my own unique shape. Maybe some boxes are feeling a little more empty and that emptiness can feel uncertain when it's not filled with play partners or constant play party interactions. And maybe some have gathered some dust and just need a good dusting and some time to feel right again. Then there are some boxes that I've outgrown or maybe just don't like the color of anymore! And this is all perfectly okay. Just because someone else's kink boxes look a certain way does not mean that mine have to look that way or it's not legitimate. Just like someone can't look at me and say "yup, this is the right box for you" and go full on stepsister trying on Cinderella's slipper on me, I shouldn't be looking at other's boxes and saying "why doesn't mine look like that? I must not be a real [insert kink identifier here]

The temptation to listen to "The One True Way" myths of kink can be an unexpected (and honestly kind of annoying haha) bump in the path of kink. So many people and websites and groups and media want to paint certain behaviors, routines, entire personalities as "The One True Way" (heck, just saying TOTW from now on). But none of that takes into account that kink is, and should always be, a very personal, unique thing.

We have similarities and commonalities when it comes to kink. These could be out of safety - like how to do certain ties for suspension vs maybe some more variation with less risky rope play - or simply because of a large correlation. For those that have never learned about statistics, correlation does not imply causation. Just because, say, those that identify as Dominants tend to have an air of strong, bold confidence does not mean every Dom will be inherently that obviously or even internally confident. There will be Doms that will have a more soft, quiet dominance or drawn to that side of the slash because they usually yield more or are more soft-spoken. Just as there are submissives that identify as such because they inherently are more comfortable yielding and giving up control, there are submissives that identify as such because they need to yield and give up that control to escape their natural tendency to hold onto that control so tightly!

This is all to say that it can be hard to escape the idea of the "ideal" Dominant, rope bunny, edge player, and nearly any or even all other kink identities. That doesn't mean we have to let them erase our own connection to that identity or crush our desire to explore ourselves in that way.

I think this has been my biggest struggle since COVID hit, honestly. The pandemic hit just after I had stepped down from my leadership position just months into my second term. I was already reeling from experiencing my first loss as an adult that hit close to my heart and healing from a surgery that would go on to trigger the health issues leading to my resignation due to the antibiotics overwhelming my system. When COVID shut down the club, it added to the isolation already happening in the vanilla side of things. I had grown from dipping my toes into kink at home to gaining confidence, mentors, friends, and passions in the local kink community. Being unable to have those connections started a spiral of questioning how kinky am I really, was I ever really that kinky, and, once my marriage fell apart a couple months into COVID, was I even a kinky person on my own?

I had more of a kink identity crisis than I did anything else in the pandemic I think. Everything else could be fulfilled with my COVID bubble or online, but I had unwittingly connected my kink identity to that club, my kink circle, my ability to attend classes or share knowledge, and having play partners to indulge with. It took longer than I would have liked, but I had to make myself stop and really rethink how I saw myself in kink. I can now go back to the club, but it's not a necessity for my kink. My small or subtle (sometimes not so small or subtle) acts at home with my partner are still kinky even if it's not an elaborate setup on the play floor in front of the viewing couches or using a ton of equipment. My kink friends are still my friends and we can continue connecting beyond the club grounds, and those that have drifted were just different friends and that's fine. Classes are still available, now in person and online, with more experience in making both mediums work. Plus, good old YouTube channels and blogs are still around just like when I had first started exploring.

It's almost as if the allure of what I had discovered and the strong subconscious connections between how I had grown as a kinkster and the club that made it possible covered up the fact that it was still all... me. It was the opportunity that the club presented to learn, to meet others, to grow. But it was still my desires and my journey.

It can be hard to stop the thought of "Am I kinky enough" or "Am I even kinky" sometimes, especially when faced with TOTW, or even just from getting lost in the depths of the journey. In a way, it's like I had been climbing this mountain of kink identity and got to the heights where the clouds surrounded me and made it hard to see the ground, the trees, anything around me. I got a little lost along the way, but I was able to break through the clouds and see that it's still the mountain I started on. My kink is still my kink. My knowledge and skills are still there, even if just a little rusty or maybe ready for a trophy spot until I want to take it down again. Most importantly, my journey is still my journey and it's not over yet.

Am I kinky enough? For me, yes. And that is what ultimately matters on this journey.

Keep exploring, my fellow kinksters, and remember that this journey is absolutely, wonderfully, uniquely yours.

Until the next one and with much love,

Miss Lunissa