It’s not all or nothing… Lessons in patience and self-forgiveness
- Lunissa VK
- Mar 8, 2020
- 5 min read
Hello everyone!
It’s Lunissa poking out from the shadows again. I’ve decided to open up and own up to a realization I had earlier this week. A bit of background and sharing first: I go to therapy a few times a month and have been for a couple years now, actually getting to the point where I no longer need to see both a trauma specialized therapist and my psychiatrist. I’m considering writing about how this intersects with my own kink at some point in depth. For now, though, I want to write about how it seems to intersect with my writing and habits. Through therapy and through my own experiences in kink, I have come to realize that I have a form of perfectionism. Be it wanting to write a sentence just right or making a tie look pretty while being functional, I struggle with shutting off the part of my brain that is critical and anxious on top of my other issues. I have taken to calling myself an imperfect perfectionist for two reasons – one, I cannot be perfect and I have to accept my humanity (as much as I wish not to) and, two, I tend to lean towards the all or nothing mindset.
I’m going to be open about why I have all but disappeared. I started out with a plan to write every Sunday and have multiple ideas drafted in various stages that I would start throughout the week. That whole every Sunday thing has not really happened or stuck especially as I tried to publish whenever I finished something just to at least try for once a week. It was frustrating because I had this idea and plan and wanted to make it work… but I am human.
I have mental health issues that hit really hard the past couple of years that led to a lot of big moments and decisions and that did not help. I also got married in the midst of it all but almost didn’t because of catching my then fiance cheating and a mental breakdown from the stress. It all kept snowballing until bits of my life had to give so I would have a fighting chance of not doing something stupid or worse.Things have gotten better now that I caved in and started taking medication after a particularly long and scary low, but I still had a mental breakdown a few months ago. I’m stabilizing but still trying to find my new normal.
It has been over six months since my last big breakdown and even now life is trying to batter me. But I have built up my toolkit and my support network and my own self patience. I’m finally at the point where I want to try my hand at building up this blog again. It has not left my mind and I still feel the urge to write even if I didn’t have the motivation or energy or spoons, as has become popular in the community. I am trying to practice forgiveness and patience with myself, slowly but surely getting better with practice.
But it’s not all heavy and dark. I have also stepped up and am learning to own my light and leadership and improved steadiness at work, in volunteering, and in kink so my time management skills have been tested. I am making a difference in my communities and beyond, even though I sometimes forget to give myself credit for what I accomplish. But, above it all, I am an imperfect human. I may want to do something and have this idea in my head and sometimes it goes well and I can deal with the imperfections – and sometimes I turn away, choosing to stop or at least pause because it’s not what I wanted. With my writing, that has meant I have not done as much writing whether on here or as a hobby because of that mental block. And it’s just as frustrating. Oddly enough, I have learned a lot from both therapy and kink this year around this issue.
Credit for featured image: Photo by Allie Smith on Unsplash
Kink has been full of explorations of new skills and new people and new experiences. It has been a journey beyond what I could have ever imagined, both into the world around me and into my own self. I have learned about boundaries, confidence, as well as how to check my biases and how to become an ally to communities I both am and am not part of. It has taught me how to slow down and savor the moment. It has taught me how to grow into my own confidence and dominance and be comfortable leading as I trust myself. It has taught me patience, be it with others, with relationships, with tasks, or my own process. This journey has taught me so much and I keep learning more the deeper I dive into the world of kink and my own kinky inner world.
My original goal for this blog was to share my journey and lessons learned in the world of kink. I am more determined to make that happen while I practice more gentle self love and patience. But I also want to touch on topics that might not always seem overtly kinky but that definitely crosses paths. In my time as one of the leaders in my local kink community and in my growing friendships within it, I have seen how some of my struggles are reflected in others and how they handle it. Sometimes kink is their therapeutic release. Sometimes they need to work on something in order to be able to enjoy certain aspects more. My hope now is to continue sharing what I learn about kink but also more personal point of views from time to time, topics of intersectionality, and perhaps if I’m able to even feature views from others about their perspectives, tips, and journeys.
I cannot, nor will I try, to promise perfection. But I will try harder to be more present. I have some ideas of how to stay more accountable. I’ll also keep including additional experiences to support my own understanding so you can go about your own journey, too. If I don’t have direct experience, I’ll do my best to gather resources. And if you see a series I’ve been working on or a topic I’ve mentioned that seems delayed, please don’t shy away from giving me a poke! I might eventually add more connections to help staying in touch, too.
Here’s to a renewed hope and start as Spring approaches us. Seems like an apt time, doesn’t it?
As always, let me know if there is anything you have questions about or are interested in. Perhaps there is something to spark your interest in trying out and starting with the coming of Spring, as well?
Until next time, stay safe and have fun and stay cozy as Winter winds down.
Love always,
Miss Lunissa
Mental Health Resources
Suicide Prevention Resources
Comments