Creating A Safety Net – AfterCare
- Lunissa VK
- Mar 30, 2020
- 7 min read
After a very long hiatus, I think the topic of after care fits right in.Everyone will have a different idea of what after care will look like for them, but it ultimately comes down to what you need to feel safe coming down from the rush of it all and ready for whatever awaits beyond the scene. Sub drop can be a pretty upsetting state for some or after certain intensities because of the sudden drop in that wonderful cocktail, hence the use of aftercare to gently come down or at least alleviate some of the drops in all the good feels. Because of this,t is a form of self care whether it is by yourself or with someone else there to help care for you.
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Be it taking a soothing bath, giving a stuffie a big hug, spending time cuddling, taking time to breathe, eating mood boosting snacks, or a simple hello – There is an aftercare routine for your needs.
Aftercare, self care – it seems very straightforward doesn’t it? However, it is not always so clear cut. There are a lot of factors to consider and discuss when the topic of after care comes up. What you need may depend on details that could even vary depending on the situation. Who you are playing with will definitely factor into the care you need because what you are comfortable with or desire might change depending on if it’s someone you just met for pick up play or a partner you’ve had a dynamic with for years. Where the play takes place may influence the kind of after care you need depending on if it makes you feel more vulnerable and therefore need more or perhaps it takes place at a dungeon where you don’t have the comfort and privacy of your own bed to nap on after. There is also the type of scene and the various effects it may have that can impact what you need, be it a soothing lotion rub down after a heavy flogging or some quiet cuddles after trying out some humiliation for the first time.
These just scratch at the surface of things to consider and prepare for – but it’s also not as intimidating as it seems nor does it have to be as in depth. Just how there are different factors that can influence what kind of after care to consider, there are also different factors to consider of your own self and those involved. Aftercare is unique for each person, dynamic, group, etc. Don’t feel pressured to have it all figured out or to have it work 100% of the time. Just like the journey to discover your kinks take time and experimenting, so will your aftercare as you figure out what fills different needs for different situations.
As much as this piece has focused on your needs, don’t forget to consider those of the people you are playing with. Just as you may or may not experience a dizzying rush, others involved in the scene can, too, be it their own subspace or domspace or just adrenaline rush. Part of creating your own safety net is taking the time to talk things out ahead of time so you aren’t stuck crashing hard afterwards while your play partner has their own reaction and affects you either directly or indirectly because of an aftercare incompatibility. Take some time to think about what helps you calm down or feel safe, depending on what you need. A very common aftercare tool is a cozy blanket. You might see these quite a bit at dungeons and parties where either the bottom is wrapped up and cuddled or simply covered and left to relax while the top stays nearby cleaning up (never leave your bottoms unattended, tops, until you know they are ok!). Some people use comfort items either from other kinks or hobbies such as coloring books, stuffies, or hugging a pillow. For some people, the best way for them to combat the rush is to do things to feel more awake or themselves such as stepping out for a smoke, having a fresh cup of coffee, stepping outside, or simply sitting down to socialize with close friends until they are ready. For others, though, giving in to the exhaustion of having your system on edge for so long or having finally had a cathartic release from an intense scene means that cuddles or even a nap are the perfect end to an amazing time.
It will take time to discover what different scenes do to your system so some people carry a couple of items just in case such as a blanket, book, and headphones or have their partner prepare coffee and clear a spot to sit if that is more their cup of tea – er, joe. Sometimes you may not be expecting a reaction or you don’t have what or who you need for your aftercare. It’s a learning process. It may feel rough sometimes, or it may not feel like a big deal. No matter what, taking time to reflect and adapt is important to patching up your safety net.
There are methods for addressing these holes in the net. There are times where one person needs intimacy and comfort to feel reassured that they are not messed, alone, or whatever else may set in. Perhaps it’s simply that feeling comfortable and taken care of helps them calm down more evenly. For some people, having a special blanket that their play partner helps wrap them up in before they go and use clean up time as their decompressing time may help. I have also seen agreements where one person did not feel comfortable providing aftercare while they came down from their own headspace so they had an aftercare person on standby, whose role was to step in and provide the hugs and blanket wrapping to the one who needed it. Others may need space in order to gather their thoughts, breathe, not feel smothered, whatever it may be. Aside from the option of enlisting someone else’s help in providing aftercare as part of the scene, they may also be able to use options such as using the aftercare blanket to not only cover up the other person but to also cover themselves up to block out sights or lights (I know someone who becomes overstimulated by lights and sound after and needs quiet darkness, for instance). If it’s sound that bothers them, having headphones and some music or simply noise-canceling can be of use. Sometimes being able to step outside together for a breather or a smoke (at their own risk) helps them have time together while still providing that sense of isolation or calm they need. There are many configurations and options, with the right mix coming down to personal preferences and agreements.
Whatever mix of aftercare you and your play partners have, I do highly encourage some acknowledgement and reassurance before you dive into aftercare or at least before parting ways. Even if your partner just needs some space to come back down on their own, it never hurts to say thank you for the great scene or you did great with that thing! It’s very easy to fall into the trap of our minds after a scene of what went wrong, if they met expectations, if they were experienced/flexible/obedient/pretty enough or whatever else comes to mind. A simple thank you or “I really enjoyed this” can help in keeping any drop at bay. If you or your partner need that space right after, it’s alright to keep it short and simple and waiting until the next day to debrief what went on, too.
Just how drop can occur the next day or even a few days after a scene, aftercare and perhaps even reassurance may still be needed, as well. There is no shame in that for any party involved.
Part of the conversation should include some time to discuss a few more items beyond what type of aftercare is needed – length of time, medical history, and follow up. Some people are up and ready to go in 10 minutes (though I recommend you not drive for at least half an hour to an hour in case of any drop or health concerns). Others feel able to function after half an hour but not quite themselves for another few hours. There are also those who feel fine after a quick aftercare but either don’t realize they are still in their own headspace or don’t feel the drop until hours or even days later. This may be due to accidentally prolonging the headspace through dynamics, subconscious acts that feed into the cocktail of hormones and chemicals, or simply your body taking some time to process everything. This also goes hand in hand with the other two items. Medical history can affect the approach to aftercare as well as follow up. For mental health, it might be making a conscious effort to include reassurance or checking in for the next few days to catch any post-scene blues that pop up. Perhaps it’s a medical condition, such as diabetes or asthma or high blood pressure that needs more attention and preparation such as having candy on hand in case of a blood sugar drop, knowing where the emergency inhaler is, or checking in for a few days to make sure nothing has gone haywire. Follow up can be as simple as a hello, how are you feeling by text or on Fetlife. It can make a big difference and, for those wanting to build a long-term relationship or dynamic, it can build trust that you are looking out for each other.
I want to add that having health concerns, be it physical or mental, does not mean you are unfit for kink – it simply means that the same vigilance you use in the vanilla world must be used in kink. You can still throw caution to the wind in some ways but know your limits, risk tolerance, and those of your play partners.
All in all, while aftercare may seem small or unnecessary, it can have a much bigger impact on the ability to let go and enjoy a scene because you know you’re in good hands as well as the trust in each other moving forward. This is a dynamic part of your safety net as it changes and adapts to your kinks, experiences, needs, and more so I recommend checking in every once in a while with yourself and your play partners to make sure all goes smoothly. Think of it as a trust exercise where you are making sure that you have people to catch you and that you are ready to let go and fall back into the fun.
Hopefully this gives you pause to think and check your safety net. I have included a few ideas I have seen and even used myself throughout, but let me know if you have any tips or ideas that help you below! Also, please let me know if you think a post simply listing different ideas would be useful to have as a resource.
As always, stay safe and have fun exploring!
Love always,
Lunissa
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