Consent, Consent, Consent

Hello again! This week, I decided to focus on something that is simple but can feel complicated sometimes. At its core and simplest form, it means to agree to something. There are different types of consent, varying with the knowledge and trust involved.

One type and the most commonly known is verbal or oral consent. Verbal consent is a clear and understandable form of providing permission as well as indicating that the person giving consent is aware of what is going on, what will happen, and that are okay with it. Because of the clarity, it leads to less misunderstandings though unfortunately some verbal consents can still be vague or misleading such as “I guess” or even “sure” for some people. Consent can also be given nonverbally, such as with a nod (especially when your mouth might be preoccupied such as with a ball gag) though may require more trust or some previous discussions to keep things clear. If something is uncertain, don’t feel bad about clarifying as it can prevent any awkwardness at least and major trouble at worst.

Besides consent expressed orally or with gestures, it can also be expressed through writing. This might occur in more intense dynamics such as 24/7 or Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationships or even just for those wanting to have clear expectations in the form of a contract. Keep in mind, however, that these aren’t necessarily legally binding but rather a way to lay out needs, desires, triggers, fears, limits, protocols, and more to come into agreement on where those involved stand and possibly rely more on implied consent such as using key phrases rather than directly saying they want to play or what may require more informed consent. These contracts help open a channel of communication for clarity even after those involved have talked (does banana mean it’s ok or does it mean stop/no?), though many will set aside time every once in a while or a specific day each week even to review and renegotiate and reconfirm consent. Remember the common kinky mantra: Safe, Sane, and Consensual!

So, what exactly did I mean by informed consent? Isn’t all consent informed? It can be. Or maybe it’s not. Perhaps you’re at a hands on training type of event and your instructor has just gone over all the materials, what they plan on doing, for how long, where, etc., and you say “Yes! I am totally excited for all of this!” and you do so knowing the full extent of the risks and plans – that’s informed consent. Or perhaps your Dominant says they have a new flogger they are dying to try out and ask if you’re up for it, to which you assume the position and say “go for it!” because you know what will happen and trust your partner since you have done this before and know what to expect. Ensuring that you are aware of what is going on, what will happen means you can fully understand what you are agreeing to rather than just relying solely on trust.

There is also long term consent which tends to happen more in 24/7 and Master/slave dynamics since the submissives are surrending to the will of their Dominant rather than just submitting to them, trusting their Dom to know their limits and abide by them no matter what is going on. It’s important to note, however, that there is still some form of stopping play or renegotiating either with a safeword or measures in place to be able to communicate freely and adjust accordingly.

In the end, consent is what makes kinky play fun and safe rather than crossing into rape or assault. It can be for as short as a scene to as long as the relationship will last, but consent still has the same end goal. Of course misunderstandings can still occur because nothing is guaranteed to be crystal clear on all ends at all times, but the conversations are to ensure the highest degree of understanding to prevent accidental triggers or unwanted pain or any other such situation. Playing and sex can be messy and wild but also maybe facing an unexpected block or trigger. It’s the communication that will be important in, out, and beyond play to make sure that everyone involved is okay and ultimately enjoying themselves before, during, and after. Overall, consent helps protect the Dominants or tops by helping them protect the submissives and bottoms as well as vice versa so that everyone can have fun while exploring, growing, and having one heck of a time! After all, that’s what we’re all aiming for isn’t it?

Until next time, play safe and enjoy your deepest, darkest desires!

Miss Lunissa

#BDSM #Consent #Safety #Vocabulary